Urban Habitat

This is a brain dump inspired by the fact that I got to fingerpaint a few days ago.

Here’s the first thing I fingerpainted!

I don’t know why logically but that first image, where there’s still a big white unpainted splotch, just catches my eye every time. And after this I went down to the art store and bought 4 more canvases to finger paint because gosh is it relaxing on my OCD. It’s like a salve on sore skin.

I also painted eggs with my family for Easter, and that was another super-relaxing very-fun time. I made the tie dye ones and a hot pink splotched one and one with a really ugly pickle on it.

Getting purposefully messy has been a real antidote to my OCD lately, which is crazy because there have been so many times over the past year that I’ve avoided situations where I’d get dirty or messy (like painting) for fear of getting poisoned or poisoning someone else.

TW: self-harm & OCD

I’ve also been getting better at forgiving myself/not engaging with self-hatred. I am unfortunately once again less than a month free of self-harm but the urges are more physical and emotional now than they have been prior, when my thoughts twisted and turned in on themselves until I hated who I was thanks to my own mind. Now I just feel physical discomfort.

But back to “getting better at forgiving myself/not engaging with self-hatred.” I got annoyed by some friends recently and complained to another friend about it. And then when I saw the aforementioned friends I was annoyed at I did feel a little bad about complaining about them. But I didn’t let OCD take it and run with it the way it sometimes does – when OCD tells me I’m a bad friend and an uncaring person for complaining, I’ll now sarcastically say to myself – “Ah yes, that’s me. A terrible, hateful, uncaring person because I get annoyed at other people sometimes. Makes sense.”

And I’ve also gotten back to being able to do things in social contexts on my own. Like, sit at a restaurant and eat alone. Or (safely) drink a beer at a bar alone. Or go to an event alone. Or sit at a coffee shop alone. Sometimes this stuff has been hard for me to do because I’m sitting there thinking about how I look to other people. Honestly, now, I mostly don’t care. What right do other people have to judge me? Me sipping a beer or planting a plant or chugging a latte isn’t hurting anyone!

I don’t like to be advice-y. I think there’s more than all of our fair share of that on social media. So let me leave off with a wish that you have a great week, living it your own way & bringing joy and peace to your little world.

✿