The beginning of Aries season was supposed to be about planting seeds.
For me, that was going to mean both literal seeds and the seeds of things I want in my life, like routine and healthy eating.
However, my OCD and the universe at large had ideas that differed from my own.
My second kitty started getting nosebleeds again, just a few days after coming back home from medical care at his foster’s, who was better able to care for his nosebleeds/URI needs. He seemed to be doing better and then suddenly, a relapse. The OCD circuits in my brain had a field day. One bloody booger seems to me now like the monsters under my bed did in my childhood – lurking, unexplained evil. Every spot of red made my heart beat faster and my brain swirl like a tornado. It felt like any decision I made – or didn’t make – was the wrong one.
OCD has trapped me in my own head many a time. It tells me to look for certainty and a pattern in a world that has only so much of each. But I’ve been participating in various therapies 2-3x per week, including ERP (Exposure Response Prevention); this has helped.
I suppose the universe forced me to plant other seeds than the more appealing ones I had wanted to. Of course, I want to get my OCD to a manageable place, but it’s still hard to go through the hard stuff! It’s hard times for me right now and it’s planting seeds of beauty and gratitude for the calmer times.
What I’ve come to realize today is beautiful is that even in these hard times I’m doing my best to live by my values. I believe in caring for animals and I believe in honesty, with myself and others; these are things I’m doing right now even as difficult as they may be. And I share this not just to revel in the sharing but also to tell anyone out there who may be going through a similar obsessive-compulsive struggle that you can survive the hard times and you can thrive again! Things are cyclical, and even though the metaphor of the seasons is overused I find that it often holds true. Sometimes we thrive, sometimes we just survive and hope to thrive again.
Wishing you hope & calm.